I know people are going to be angry and want to blame me. That is okay—just remember, I didn’t purposely lose myself. I didn’t purposely cause pain to others. My marriage was extremely peaceful, beautiful and healing. But as I healed, I realized I needed more that I couldn’t find here. I cannot allow my husband to not feel enough. He deserves to be loved fully, and I am unable to currently do that. We tried you guys- please know I tried.
I wrote this below post back in the Summer when I came to truth with a battle that I wasn’t happy. I continued to grow, working on myself and face my inner demons. After months of therapy Jake and I are separating peacefully. I don’t know how to announce it so I am sharing my personal journal from July to show my heart. My heart is broken, I am breaking hearts, but I am healing in a way I didn’t know I needed too. We will all be okay.
July 2023: How do I explain that my “perfect” marriage is not enough for me. How do I tell everyone that the gentle kind soul that gave me a beautiful life and was my caretaker during the hardest part of life isn’t enough to me? Am I not enough? Or did I lose myself along the way.
I love Jake. He has helped me heal in so many ways. He taught me to talk kindly to myself. His presence allowed me to feel safety. For so long I didn’t feel safe in my body- and I didn’t know this. I came back to my body, out of a depression. I am learning to be braver and more than those negative taught behaviors. As I found myself, I realized I may have been lying to my self. I may have chosen safety. But I crave a deep connection I cannot describe. Jake will always be in my life, just not as my partner. Not in the stage of life where I’m trying to find myself again.
I don’t need to explain but I feel like I need too. Every time I kissed this perfect man, I felt guilt. Every time asked when we are extending our family my heart broke, I didn’t want too. When we went to build a home (twice now)… I froze. I didn’t know why I had these feelings until I admitted to myself, maybe my perfect husband isn’t perfect “for me”.
‼️ Please give me grace. Do not tell me to think of my son. He is the first and last thought on my mind everyday. I also need to teach him to be brave and mistakes are okay.
It took me a long time to rewrite the thoughts in my brain that I am nothing but a failure and screwup. I have healed and moved mountains, and will continue to grow and heal- just not living the life I thought I wanted.
Thank you for the love I have received in this vulnerable emotional state. Be kind— I am human.
Please continue to support my business as my dreams are still the same, they will just take a little longer.
-Kate
Chronically Holistic 